Down in the Labyrinth
Most of the time I have a pretty good idea of where I am in the labyrinth; Ariadne’s clue can be found just about anywhere and if I follow it, I get somewhere. But every so often I become totally lost. The clue vanishes as if it had never existed. Coherent meaning evaporates; my small world of routine is made empty and bereft of significance. Then it seems as if sheer habit alone were piloting my body. I know what I am doing but I do not know why. December, with its attendant holiday paroxysm and looming year’s end, seems to exacerbate these symptoms. The horizon of future, that green fantasy of the coming weeks and months, the next year—supposedly better than the last—no longer pertains. It is as if my ability to imagine a future at all has been disabled. The fantasies of organized religion would prove useful here if their being fantasies were not so painfully obvious. Likewise, and probably better than religion, children are very efficient at generating boots-on-the-ground purpose and significance. Equipped with their charmed auras and strong fantastical narratives, children possess keen navigation systems in such an environment; they have knowledge that their parents lack. I have met many parents who seem to depend on their children for this purpose1. Having no children I have to dream up my own strong narrative; I become my own child and my own parent. “I’ve had enough of this existential hooha!” I tell myself; “Do the dishes! Mop the floor!” I am made to take a walk, I am made to meditate for twenty minutes. “Drink more water!” I am made to write my papers and go to bed by 9:30PM. Good sleep is probably the best medicine in such a crisis (though it can be hard to wake up the next morning). Even with the horizon devoid of all sense I remind myself that I had been here before and that it is (probably) only temporary (purpose phases in and out; but the disaster is forever). I tuck myself into bed and wait for meaning and conviction to phase-shift back into my life, like a child in the dark, waiting for christmas morning.
